Pharmaceutical honchos must themselves have to pop sleeping pills these days. For US and European governments are now mandating every new drug license to be given a "suicide rating" before the formulation can be released into the market. A cue which the rest of the world will not take long in picking up.
It is now being discovered that just about any drug that can either affect the brain directly, or affect chemicals which in turn enter the brain, can lead to suicidal thoughts. The spotlight is therefore also on medications used to treat such innocuous conditions as acne, pain, bacterial infections, besides the more serious conditions of hypertension, insomnia, heartburn, and the like.
For example, take the case of Rimonabant (brand name Acomplia, or Zimulti, as it is now known in the US). The drug is touted as a wonder weight-loss medication, also likely to be marketed for cardiovascular cases. As this paper reports, patients participating in a placebo-controlled trial had to discontinue this drug due to depressed mood disorders, anxiety, headache, dizziness etc. Interestingly, the study was conducted on patients drawn from European countries, and after its publication, is still being sold in Europe (as of March / April 2008), though the application for selling it in the US has been withdrawn. Height of cynicism?
Also cynical are practitioners known to routinely prescribe anti-depressants along with drugs that are known to cause depression as side-effect. And there is apparently a tale hanging around the usage of these anti-depressants too, for instead of solving the problem, there are reports that they actually aggravate suicidal tendencies. Ho hum.
I cannot help feeling a sense of deja vu over this turn of events. In quite a few posts on my other blog, I have consistently decried the fad of popping pills for instant nirvana. Science presently is still not equipped enough to understand the complex and delicate interplay of chemicals in the cauldron called the brain. The feeling is that we are being used as guinea pig to conduct trial and error experiments with drugs - okay, if that doesn't work, then how about this? The only gain in the short run is to the companies manufacturing the drugs. But what about you and me? We get only one body in a lifetime. Why should we waste it away on silly experiments that the good doctors want to conduct?
As self-developer, my view is that most diseases afflicting us are a direct somatization of the thoughts that we continuously hold in our mind. And therefore the cure to the diseases lies in thought management. We invite diseases by our thoughts. And we can cure them again by correcting our thoughts.
Ah. But this is a lone voice in the wilderness. It will take a major disaster in the guinea pig theater for the world to veer around to this view.
They say that it took close to two hundred years to construct the entire structure of what is known as the Tower of Pisa.
Wonder how he would have reacted, the architect who designed the structure, were he alive when it was finally completed and inaugurated and thrown open to the public to watch and admire? The reason why there is the epithet of "Leaning" before the name of the tower, they say, is because the foundation was too shallow, and that the choice of the location incorrect as the soil was weak and unstable. The poor architect would have held his head in his hands at his folly! And, depending on the disposition of the government of the day, perhaps run for cover, or jumped bail or hired expensive lawyers to defend himself.
But, no, look how the flaw has become cause for celebration. Had this mistake not been made, the tower would have been yet another high-rise structure, yet another bell tower like any other, with nothing beyond archaeological and academic interest. But the architect's mistake has made him a world celebrity; and tourists from all around flock to this city in Italy to especially ogle at it and take pictures standing next to it. Indeed, so famous has this glaring mistake become, that the tower dwarfs the other arts and artifacts that the city holds in her bosom.
Flaws and mistakes shouldn't lead to dejection, you see. If there is cause to atone and repent, by all means, let's do it. But the beauty of making mistakes is that they give an opportunity to learn. Imbibing the lesson is very important, for unless it is well and truly assimilated, it tends to repeat itself. Wonder when the Pisa tower architect realized that he had erred? And whether he used the new-found wisdom for his other projects?
Try to not make any mistakes. And if they happen to be made, learn from them. And move on. This is life after all. For what may be considered to be a mistake at one point of time might well become a cause for celebration at a subsequent point of time!
Expect New Discoveries From Stonehenge Excavations
Visualize a structure made of stone in the middle of nowhere. Two large vertical stones, each weighing a few tons, and supporting another, third stone that sits like a lintel on the other two. (Technically known as a trilithon.) The stones being very hard rock, created from sand and glued naturally by silica, and go by the name of "Sarsen" stones.
And now visualize not one, but several such trilithons, all arranged in a circle. And then a similar set of trilithons inside this circle, arranged circularly, but not fully closed. Plus, now visualize another set of blue-colored rock, as nicely hewn as can be using crude tools, again concentric around these two trilithon circles. Yes, you get the picture. Circles within circles. One is talking about the Stonehenge of Great Britain.
Now what exactly was the purpose of such a structure? This week, archaeologists from the Bournemouth University and the Society of Antiquaries have begun yet another attempt to find clues to precisely this question.
Why this fascination with circles? Rationalists speculate that the construction was used to conduct astronomy studies. You see, the study involving accurately measuring the progress of constellations. Now, just consider this. In an age when farming had just begun, benefits of animal husbandry had just about been discovered, clothing came from peeling hides off animal carcasses, writing was unknown and vocabulary was limited, people had moved out of caves and moved into own-constructed houses ... do you think that the one technology and science that would reach such an exalted level would be Astronomy? So much, as to motivate people to make strenuous efforts across quite possibly many years to mount a project of this size? So much for rationalism.
At the same time, it is a wonder how the heavy lintel stones could be lifted to such heights and placed very gingerly over their two supports. The mind also baulks at the gigantic efforts expended in hauling the stones from miles away. And these are the imponderables that lend that extra dimension to the mystique.
As a New Ager, what fascinates me are the engrossing stories about ritualism and spirituality and paganism that have over the centuries grown around the Stonehenge. While one school of thought attributes the structure as the final, resting place of the dead (which the availability of abundant skeletons in the now ongoing excavation will no doubt corroborate), another school of thought attributes to it the center of life and birth, with the centre resembling the human vulva and the birth canal.
There is a lot to learn from the ancients. Even if they were wearing clothing that smelt of carcass and used tools for their masonry that were um, less than sophisticated.
Utilize The Time Spent During Sleep Too, For Self-Development
You can try this experiment yourself. In your household, when a family member goes to sleep or is taking a nap, just sit not very far from them, and may be read a passage from some storybook. Or talk loudly enough (a soliloquy if there is nobody to share this experiment with you), for a few seconds, on a subject that you know the sleeper holds dear.
While you are performing your act, the words you utter are falling in the sleeper's ears, and from there on, flowing through to their brain. Since the alert, judgmental, questioning, defensive conscious is deep in sleep, the words have no trouble in seeping quietly, drip, drip, drip, into the subconscious; the subconscious that is always awake, always alert, and always receiving signals from the senses. If you are perceptive, you will notice a change in the sleeper's eyelid movement and their breathing rhythm. This is a sure-shot signal that your words have gone in.
When the sleeper wakes up, they may not realize that they were guinea-pig to your experiment. But whatever words you said, would have an impact on their thinking process. Try it! Never fails to work!
It is this simple technique that the myHelpHub people have deployed in a set of CDs (16, per the latest count). Priced at five cents less USD 120 (for downloaded version), the audio sessions last about one hour each. Cut away the usual marketing hype on the site's page, and you see that these recordings do exactly this: program your mind, or rather the subconscious component. And since you are controlling what your subconscious is receiving, and since what it is receiving pertains to a plane of your existence where you need the positive reinforcement the most, you benefit at the end of the exercise.
You too could do it yourself, no? Them recordings? So then, why pay these guys for the sessions? Actually, it is both the quality of the content and the quality of the recording that matters here.
Self-Dev Industry Should Look At Tools For This Condition
The US is observing April as "National Autism Awareness Month", and this year the Autism Society of America (ASA) have tied up with Pump It Up, the company that has over 240 franchised party facilities across the country. Together they plan to organize a fundraising event called "Bounce for Autism", across all the franchises of Pump It Up, where participants can play to their heart's content on the gigantic inflatables. Proceeds of the event will go to a fund dedicated to support autism.
A Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), the condition of autism becomes known when an infant is usually about three years old. I quote the symptoms of autism from the pages of the website of (ASA):
1. Lack of or delay in spoken language 2. Repetitive use of language and/or motor mannerisms (e.g., hand-flapping, twirling objects) 3. Little or no eye contact 4. Lack of interest in peer relationships 5. Lack of spontaneous or make-believe play 6. Persistent fixation on parts of objects
Beyond identifying the regions of the brain where the structure and shape is different from those without this condition, science has not really made any headway so far in understanding the mechanisms that cause this condition in the first place. Treatment goals are frustratingly restricted to "managing" as opposed to "curing" this condition, and the immediate (and thus far the only) goal is to reduce family distress, and increase functional independence and the quality of life of the autie. As for pharmacologic interventions, the less said the better: doctors are trained to routinely prescribe stimulants and anti-psychotics.
Research shows that over the years, the incidence of autism among children is gradually growing.
Talking about the self-dev discipline as a whole, obviously the present stock of tools we presently hold in our arsenal falls short in addressing this condition. Which brings me to the motivation behind this post. Can somebody think of something radically new that can address this condition? This is one challenge that I would like to throw at the Self-Dev discipline and its practitioners: can we come out with a good, working tool that can be used as a CAM (complementary and alternative medicine) intervention to address Autism?
Sigh. You know there is something seriously wrong with the way you are running your life. You #@^*@# hate it! And you surely for hell want to change things. But how?
It could be relationships that could be draining your happiness. May be you or the partner is now behaving grouchily because they are entering their menopause / andropause. Or somebody is cheating on somebody. Or it is a health problem that is the cause behind the wear and tear of the threads binding you with the others. There is change - from the days of holding hands and looking into each other's eyes.
It could be a new assignment looming large on the horizon at work. Possibly, you are being asked to take on a new job profile different from what you were comfortable with. Or may be you have been given the pink slip, and therefore are required to fend for yourself in the job market. There is change - from the days of receiving in time the pay check.
It could be the diet. You remember the wagging finger of the doctor warning you of watching the calories, or else. And you also remember closing the consulting room's swivel door behind you, fully revved up to take out from the drawer of your desk for one more time, the dieting schedule you had downloaded from the health site you had signed up a year (or was it two?) ago. You also remember the rapid fall in this revving as your car reaches the front gate of the house. There is change involved - from the days of carefree binging.
And in all these cases and more, the frustrating problem is that we all know what will happen to us once we move forward and embrace the change that is being demanded of us. Yet, we continue to wallow in self-pity, self-blame, self-infliction of wounds. We procrastinate because there is the fear of the unknown. The fear of going out of the comfort zone that one is so cozily ensconced in.
Motivating somebody to take this step from self-defeat to celebration has been a big challenge as counselor. I was happy, therefore, when friends at myHelpHub sent me a set of 6 CDs, part of a course conducted by US-based Lee Milteer, human potential speaker, productivity coach and self-dev writer. They sent them to me by mail, though the content can be downloaded too. Here is the link: http://www.short10.com/?c=sdb_life-makeover.
Costs just USD 47. If you have some very tough-as-rock issue in your life that has refused to budge for all these years for want of your reluctance to embrace change, then this is one investment that might be worth considering. And implementing.
Sorrow can hit us unexpectedly. The pronouncement of the doctor that an incurable disease has been detected in either our body or that of our near or dear ones devastates us. Life becomes divided into two: one that was lived before the moment of pronunciation, and the other afterwards. The sudden passing away of somebody - either due to an accident or due to some natural cause - can drown us in oceans of sorrow. We always remember the date when we experienced the reversal in our fortunes: the day we received the pink slip, the day our factory closed down, the day the mortgaged house was taken away from us, the day our spouse or best friend walked out - they are forever etched in our mind, for us to remember again and again.
The mind is a queer "thing". It latches on to negativities very quickly. Almost as if it has an affinity to negativities. To veer it away from any sorrows facing us, and to persuade it to latch on to something positive, is a Herculean task indeed.
But this is a task that we have got to do. We have to realize and understand that the Universe is a benign place. For the universe, happiness and sorrow are indistinguishable. It simply does not understand the difference! As far as the Universe is concerned, the sight of hundreds of young people enjoying the sunshine on the beach has the same degree of value and importance as the aftermath of a hurricane hitting the beach. The Universe continues on its own course, idyllically indifferent.
The Universe is not being callous. That is the way it is structured. It is how one takes the ways of the Universe which makes the difference. That is why, the task of latching on to something positive in the immediate instant when one is face-to-face with sorrow, is important. This detachment from the sorrow does not in any way undermine our pain and love. But the detachment is like a protective shield that envelopes us from all negativities, and allows us to seek more positive thoughts. Axiomatic in this thought is the belief that life is much too precious to be withered away wallowing in negativities and unhappiness.
Sorrows help our mind to seek the meaning of our life. In their own brusque manner, they tear us away from one aspect that we were smitten with, and force us to look at alternative aspects to be smitten with. And we have got to accept joyfully, this tearing-away business.
For, the Universe is a benign place.
Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. Reprint Rights: You may reprint this article as long as you leave all of the links active, do not edit the article in any way, and give author name and blog name credit.
The journal, "Neuron", has published an article titled "Mesmerizing Memories: Brain Substrates of Episodic Memory Suppression in Posthypnotic Amnesia" in its recent issue dated January 10, 2008 (Here is the URL).
Strip away the usual mumbo-jumbo the scientists love to surround themselves with, and the picture that emerges is that they have finally been able to confirm that hypnosis is not just another side-show that you enjoy at the circus or any of those after-dinner family entertainment programs. Hypnosis does alter states of the brain.
A group of subjects that is susceptible to post-hypnotic amnesia was made to watch a movie. They were then hypnotized, and under that state they were given two suggestions:
1. To forget the movie in toto. 2. To recall the movie again in response to a cue.
When this happened, the fMRI scan showed some very specific regions in the occipital, temporal and prefrontal lobes of the brain being activated differently than the control group (which was not affected by any amnesia). Later, when the cue was given so that the group would remember the movie once again, these very same regions showed some activity.
Ergo, hypnosis does have an impact on different areas of the brain.
Good to know that scientists are now cottoning on to a concept that we self-developers knew already through our own empirical observations.
Exactly who or what in the brain / body "listens" to the hypnotic suggestion, and proceeds to implement it by activating the appropriate regions of the brain? We self-developers call it the sub-conscious. Some others call it the homunculus. Will take a while for them to get there, but it is good news that scientists are making progress with their measuring devices and instruments.
We witnessed one of the steepest stock market falls across the globe these past few days. January 2008 will long be remembered stock brokers and traders as one of the bleakest chapter in their career. As all indices plunged, the too-late reaction of US Federal Reserve of cutting interest rates by seventy-five basis points has done little to buffet the downfall.
In some pockets of the world, the dreaded H5N1 has begun rearing its head once again, and there are reports of new pathogenic strains being found. Migratory birds, previously harbingers of peace, are now helping to spread the virus to all the parts of the world, exposing us all to a potentially global pandemic.
The earth is today (January 29th) witness to a near-hit by the asteroid 2007TU24. This guy will pass us by within a whisker in cosmic measurement, about 1.4 times the distance between us and the moon. (The next asteroid to visit will be in 2027 A.D.)
At the political level, postures being adopted over some countries' alleged stocking of nuclear weapons are not yielding any results. If anything, they are only taking us one step closer to another Vietnam-type / Iraq-type scenario.
Look at how the year has begun.
I guess it is in such times that we as self-developers can contribute towards sanity by using the power we have built in ourselves through auto-suggestions, positive visualizations, et al. Let us now include in our daily exercises of positive imagery, a vision of a planet that has regained its balance and sense of peace and calm yet again.
My immediate thought is that this is a passing phase. The world is changing its garbs, and this is the transition period while the new set of clothes is being put in place. Soon, we will see much better times ahead.
Now there, that was a nice thought to include in my daily visualizations! Fellow travelers on the self-dev path, let's be selfish. For our sake and that of our children, let us include the imagery of a happy and peaceful earth in our daily visualizations.
I guess it is in a way good that the bumblebees can't understand human language - especially the language spoken by us scientists. For they would have then known that what they do day-in and day-out - the act of flying, that is - is a logical impossibility! The bumblebees shouldn't be flying, how dare they!
The poor little things have just two pairs of wings, you see, out of which the rear pair is so small as to be quite ineffective. On top of that, the wings move together, and beat at the max rate of around 200 in one second. Compare this with the load of the rest of the body, and you see what I mean! Voila!
DDT is a great chemical, did you know? Look at those damned mosquitoes around you. Look at how the malaise of malaria and typhus has been wiped away by this particular insecticide. Mankind shall be ever grateful to the man who discovered how to effectively use it for combating the pesky arthropods!
So what if I got egg on my face when fellow scientist and writer Rachel Carson stopped me from singing hosannas about DDT?
What I, as a scientist, can measure using my five senses, is, according to me, is what exists. I refuse to believe in the possibility that there could be anything which is beyond the comprehension of the five senses. I take the nature's way of working as axiomatic, for granted. I try to hide behind bombastic-sounding theories that _describe_ events and even successfully _predict_ events, but without elaborating on the "why". I have devised the Nernst's postulate; I created the concept of Iota; when I am asked to measure the position and momentum of a particle, I try to escape by giving these two parameters a "range of probable values".
I know my limitations. I know that the way I am structured, I can measure nature using my five senses. At best, I can hypothesize in advance (like I did about the black holes), and then try to vindicate my hypotheses by inventing gadgets which act as extensions of my five senses. My programming makes me refuse to consider that which I cannot sense, my Nernst and iota and uncertainty principle not-withstanding.
It is not _my_ fault, is it, when people quote me when they want to derogate the possibilities of the sixth, the seventh, and the other senses of perception beyond? Or the other dimensions that might exist, but which I can't even fathom?
It is the same logic of the bumblebee's flight. Something will not cease to exist, just because I, a scientist, cannot discover or sense that thing!
Which brings me to the subject of this post. Believe this man, a member of my own tribe of scientists, who said - "...the cosmos reveals an intelligence of such superiority that, compared with it, all the systematic thinking and acting of human beings is an utterly insignificant reflection."
So, don't limit yourself to just the senses of your physical body. It is time to move beyond them. Takes some practice. But first, accept the notion that you are capable of perceiving much, much beyond what the bodily senses can ever reveal to you.
Come the first of January, and we all follow the ritual of making New Year resolutions. It is a pattern that we learn from our childhood, after observing the seniors around us doing it.
But the next step in the pattern is very interesting. We break our own self-made resolutions! We do it all so seriously. The resolve to run for X miles or exercise for Y hours. The resolve to stop from going to the fridge every now and then, and stick to fixed eating schedule. The determination to spend time with the family and spouse for at least one hour everyday. The commitment to give up smoking / boozing / whatever- that we indulge in, in our attempt to destroy our body.
I have been through it, and been pretty much amused with the game I play with myself every January, for so many past Januaries. But there was a moment of epiphany about two-three years ago, when I decided to make a resolution that is the mother of all resolutions. To Be Happy. And To Remain Happy, Come What May. To not let any circumstance, any circumstance, have the satisfaction of overpowering my decision to remain happy.
So, if I am being led to the gallows, hands fastened at the back, the head covered with a black cloth; I would still be happy. I know that I am not letting the prospect of looming death get to me in any way.
If I discover that my spouse is cheating on me, I will not let this person or the third-party destroy my happiness, for it is not theirs to destroy. I will handle the situation as best as I can, with the full knowledge that my state of mind will give me the best solution to the situation I am facing.
And, with this state of mind that is always happy, I know that I will want to improve my happiness further by doing things that I have always meant to do, but have never succeeded. Running for X miles or exercising for Y minutes, for instance. Being very cautious of my diet and my weight, as another example. Spending quality time with my family as frequently as possible. And giving up smoking / boozing / whatever - for I know that these things come in the way of my happiness.
Take it up as a challenge, folks, this year. Decide to remain happy, come what may!
For Ben, the world is his oyster. When he breasts the finishing mark in the 100 meter sprint in the 1987 World Championships in Athletics held in Rome, the entire world rises as one to applaud. His 9.83 seconds is a new world record. People fall over each other to felicitate the new celebrity, and shower him with trophies, awards and felicitations. He is made the "Member of the Order of Canada".
September 24, 1988 is a historic moment for Ben. Under the warm Seoul sun, this Ontarian sets the Jamsil Stadium track on fire with his "benfastic" 9.79 seconds performance.
Three days later, his story hit its peripety. Ben is stripped of all honors. The reason: he was discovered to be taking shortcuts to success. "Why Ben? Why? Why did you do it?" I wonder if the scrapbook in Ben's library contains this newspaper headline also, along with all the other headline-cuttings of all the honors that had come his way.
Cut to December 13, 2007. In a 409-page report released by George Mitchell, a finger points to 88 Major League Baseball players, accusing them of using steroids or drugs to artificially boost their body's capability and hit the ball harder, run quicker from one base to the other, or pitch it faster than normally possible.
Man just doesn't learn from history, does he? Shortcuts to success ultimately end in humiliation and ignominy, the exact opposite of the adulation and honor that was being sought. Was it not possible for these gentlemen to give some extra workouts at their training sessions and imbibe some additional discipline to build stamina and take the highway route to whatever success they aspired to?
I am sure we all encounter experiences when there is some deadline looming ahead. And the brain simply refuses to function! The boss has to be submitted a report in the next twenty-four hours, and you don't feel the motivation to lift your pen, or mouse, or whatever. You are required to compose a new piece of music, but your mind keeps going back to the stranger you met midnight last night...
You find yourself staring at a complex mathematical equation or a drawing, and know that it is within you to solve the problem it is posing. Yet, you cannot summon the right resources within you required to handle it.
In short, this _is_ a defining moment, but, somehow, you are incapable of seizing it. The mood just isn't there, you see.
That's where a nifty self-dev tool can help. We have long since known that when our mind is "in the mood" of doing a certain activity, and when we are totally absorbed in that activity, our brain emits waves that have frequencies different from the ones it emits when we are "not in the mood". Another aspect of the brain that we know about is its capability to "entrain" itself to any external frequency. Which is another way of saying that when we plug our ears with earphones connected to an Mp3 that is belting music at specific frequency, after a while the brain begins humming at that very frequency.
This is where this tool comes in. It is called the "brainev", and goes by the fancy name of "Brain Evolution System". A product of "Elite Inner Circle", the package has six CDs, each with a focus / end goal.
Pop in the appropriate CD in the player, and while listening to the music, you begin to feel the brain gradually "evolving" itself to the state that you wanted yourself to be in. So you can now finish the report and place it on your boss' table in time; or shift your mind from the stranger in the night and back to the music you are supposed to write; or solve the complex equation that has defied solution. Or even, create new ideas out of ether and realize them on this earth.
There's a video here where the company's representative talks about this product's properties.
Easier said than done, this exercise. Of remaining calm and peaceful when the rest of the world around you is in chaos. And also, enjoying one's calm and peace.
But it is quite possible to achieve, and quite within our capabilities. I wouldn't suggest that you go to some mountaintop and meditate. You can start doing it right here and now. While you are reading this. And all it takes is a shift in your outlook.
One faculty that is required to be summoned is that of reflection. Reflect on the interactions that you had with external world. The people who walked into and out of your communication zone, from the morning milkman to the night guard on duty to the partner you said goodbye to before turning over the side and switching off for the night. Go through all interactions, and with a detached mind, observe the state of emotions you went through during each exchange.
You might discover a pattern in the quality of your thoughts and emotions. While some interactions would obviously leave you indifferent, there are others where your reactions will be a result of some very grassroots-level emotion: anger, disdain, contempt, fear, jealousy, irritation, nervousness... we can run through the entire list. And, as you transit from one interaction with another, your mind automatically switches to the emotion that you have always stereotypically attached to the next encounter. Just recall the boo-boodee-boo of your heart as you were walking towards the cabin of your arrogant boss! Or the anger / disdain / hatred / nervousness you feel when you see your irascible spouse walk in through the front door. Or any such interaction where there is conflict or turmoil. Where any of the negative emotions run riot.
After this process of reflection, comes the decision to now become non-judgmental, from this moment on. No, I am not asking to turn the other cheek when somebody slaps you. What I am suggesting is to refrain from sitting in judgment on the behavior and action of others. And replace this sense of judgment with a sense of stepping back, calming yourself, detaching from the situation and the person's behavior, and then stepping forward to reconnect. So you are not retaliating, not going for a tit-for-tat, not defending yourself or your existence, but reaching out with more maturity. And never mind how the other person reacts to this sudden change in your temperament.
Keep doing it. There will be instances when the gale of the negative emotion will be so empowering that only after it has passed will you realize that you lost a golden chance to strengthen your sense of calm and harmony. But that's okay. Because such chances will keep coming at you, and a time will come when you will begin marveling at the ease with which you retain your balance and sense of peace – come what may.
People around cannot fail to notice this change in you! They will begin to appreciate the fact that you are calm when they and everybody else around are not. And good things begin to happen. Like you find the LoA beginning to manifest in your day to day life.
Go on. Take this up as a challenge. A game that you play with yourself, using the others around you as accessories. And see how far you succeed at it. Isn't it interesting!
If you belong to the happily/unhappily married tribe, just sit back and tick on the thoughts that cross your mind, from the list below of marriage-related messages that I get as the cause of the problems for their senders:
- My spouse has lost his / her libido. He/she is a flop in bed. He / she is not interested in sex anymore. - I no longer find him / her attractive. I am not aroused by him / her. - He / she has gained a lot of weight and I found ourselves an incongruous pair - thoroughly incompatible in bed or out of it. - He / she had {some medical problem}, and ever since, spends most of his / her time groaning in pain. Ever since, I am having to take good care of him / her, from my own earnings. I now completely support her, so the relationship is a drain on my account. He / she has stopped earning because of the illness, of course. - My marriage sucks. If I had known things would shape up as they have today, I would have run away from the marriage ceremony!
The marriage sucks. It sucks because the spouse who was very functional, very attractive and very charming on the wedding day has now become, uh, dysfunctional and unattractive and ugly. Either his / her sex organ is not in the same tip-top condition it was on the honeymoon night, or his / her rest-of-the-body has developed defects, making him / her now a liability.
I don't suggest them to go recall the marriage vows. But I definitely suggest that they shed some of their selfishness. The spouse is not just another "utility item" in the household with an expiry date stamped on it. Once it starts sputtering and stuttering, you start looking for substitutes. Or take on that sacrificial look.
The spouse is not any business transaction, which you approach with a "What's In It For Me?" attitude. So there are exit clauses when the other party "defaults" or "fails to deliver" or whatever.
I suggest them to put themselves in the "dysfunctional" spouse's shoes. And for a brief moment, visualize that they are facing the problem that the spouse is facing. And now visualize how they would like to be treated by the spouse. "Whatsoever thou wouldst that men should not do unto thee, do not do unto them." If there is any classic example where this "ultimate moral principle" is applicable, it is conjugal relationship.
When the spouse is in some bad shape, what they want is your understanding and love and affection. Not your continuous low-intensity scorn and taunt and whatever torture you give them, intentionally or unintentionally.
Don't dump the spouse because he / she is not useful any more. Remember, you too could be in the same / worse shape a few years down the road, who knows!
My Love For My Negatives Keeps Me Mired In Unhappiness
Durante Alighieri was a great poet and equally great observer of human nature and foibles. Dante, as he is popularly known in the world, had a great passion for philosophy and metaphysics.
His list of seven deadly "Sins", as he calls them, has become a list of "virtues" in today's fashion. Indeed, people vie with each other in indulging in them - it's very much considered the in thing now.
In the middle of my life's journey, "morally passing the point of no return", I find a good similarity between Dante's list of "sins" and my Self-Developer's list of negatives. I discover that modern definitions of this list still hold valid. My modern negatives still take me through Hell to the purgatory, with the "diritta via" pathway to Paradise and "Providential will" not (immediately) in sight.
So here are my seven deadly negatives:
1. (Originally) Saligia, now translated to "aberrant urges". How many times do I find myself yearning for something (or someone) who does not belong to me?
2. Gula, which is now "over-indulgence". Ah, my credit cards, and my non-capability to restrain myself from spending money that is not mine for buying something purely on impulse. And tomorrow be damned!
3. Avaritia, which has become "manipulating somebody's emotions for personal gains." How I enjoy playing with the emotions of my spouse or my sibling or my kid or my parent for that little personal gain!
4. Acedia was Dante's version of "going away from God". For me, Acedia stands for "procrastination". I _know_ I am capable of great things in life, but, yawn, I will do them tomorrow, what the hell.
5. Ira continues to be "anger, bottling up". I might have had to face the taunts of peers for my bad English. Or the object of my desire rejected / humiliated me. Or somebody simply hit my vehicle on the side in a bid to overtake. Or whatever. I either explode then and there, or seethe within.
6. Invidia is now "low self-esteem" for me. Somebody who is doing better than me lowers my image in my own eyes. I find it oh so difficult to get back on my feet again.
7. Superbia takes the crown in all sins: "arrogance" or "vanity". I have done so many things - which now hindsight wisdom tells me were foolish -, and they were all out of either arrogance or vanity.
All these negatives are an outcome of my thought processes. Now if only I become ever-vigilant of what I am thinking and feeling, I will perhaps be able to drink from the river of Eunoe.
It is an apparently never-ending struggle. To reach from point A to point B. To move from one plane of existence, with its specific set of living conditions, to another plane of existence. I have often wondered - what is wrong with point A? And what is wrong with my present plane of existence? Why do I want to go to point B at all? Why do I want to exert my energy to move to another plane of existence at all?
Unhappiness with where I am is one reason. A perpetual state of discontent that tells me that I have the potential to achieve more, much, much more in life. A bank balance that is healthier than any Tom, Dick or Harry one gets to read in those pink newspapers. A swank house that has all the amenities better than any in the neighborhood. Respect in the community. Loving relationships and good friends who will die for you, as you would die for them. Good health that is everybody's envy. You know, the "Kwan" that Rod Tidwell refers to time and again in the "Jerry Maguire" movie...
I know where point B is. I can see it, right here, standing on point A. I can also see the distance and the path to reach B. In fact, there are so many paths to go there, thanks to all these self-dev experts who set up blogs on the internet and write so many good books, with their happy and cheerful mugshots on the front cover. It makes it all the more confusing - this multitude of paths.
What then, prevents me from taking the first step? And having taken the first step, to go on continuing to walk towards B?
I find my own ghosts that come in the way of my taking the first step. I share a love-hate relationship with them. I don't like my own creations, these ghosts, yet I do not let them go.
These ghosts set up conditions such that I rather seem to enjoy wallowing in my discomfiture. There is a yearning to come out of the slush I am in. But these ghosts drag me back.
Every night, while going to bed, I vow - "Tomorrow morning, I will begin my walk towards point B." Yet, when tomorrow comes, I conveniently push the implementation to the next day. Ah, I love my procrastinations!
I wish I had a "Desire-fulfillment facilitator", like the one Wakko encountered in the "Wakko's Wish" animation.
Or perhaps I had the lamp that Aladdin had. Simply rub it, the Djinn appears. You tell him your wish. And that's it. You are at point B. The entire effort, the strain, the travail - is all eliminated.
Which brings me back to the main question. What prevents us from improving ourselves?
